Last week on Dance Moms, the ALDC finally made it to LA, and Abby promptly had meltdown after meltdown because she couldn’t handle the competition. She did, however, manage to show up long enough to sabotage Nia Frazier’s audition, simply because she was upset with dance mom Holly. If you’re like me, you were wondering what was going to happen in “Nia Risks It All.” Would Abby Lee Miller bother to do her job? Would she stop selfishly holding her own talent back, just to prove her own relevance? Would she take advantage of the natural sunlight in Hollywood instead of needing to schlepp her special spray tan formula to competitions? Answers: No, no, and LOLNO
Three days before the ALDC was scheduled to compete at Sheer Talent in Los Angeles, everyone showed up to rehearsal at 3rd. Street Dance, wondering whether Abby was going to show up. Jill was, in her own special way, concerned about Abby’s well-being and really hoping that she’d go back to helping the girls succeed. You can’t go back to doing what you’ve never done, sweetheart. With the exception of Maddie and occasionally Mackenzie, Abby has never bothered to help anyone succeed — at least not in any way that has ever been caught on camera.
I guess the rehearsal space that the girls used last week while Abby was off pouting was just too scary, what with all of the actual dancing going on and all. Abby did decide to show up to “work” with the group in this new setting…but only after the moms made empty promises to Holly about supporting her. Holly ought to have known better than to trust that bunch. Luckily, she found a good hat salesman to trust, though. Can we discuss that hat she was wearing in a lot of her commentary videos? Work it!
Holly and her hat didn’t get much time to be fabulous before the proverbial sh*t hit the fan, though. Evidently, preparing for the next competition required yelling, “failure!!!” at all of the girls for taking second place, even though she hadn’t exactly done her job to prepare her own students. Jill spoke up and delivered probably her best smackdown of all time, reminding Abby that she arrived looking like a homeless person at said failure of a competition. Hilarious except for the part where that kind of insults homeless people, who are already going through enough, especially in LA. Abby said she had an important reason for going AWOL last week, but she couldn’t share it. Must be top-secret government stuff. Up next on Dance Moms: Abby Lee reveals she’s a spy! Or something.
Either way, Jill didn’t have much more to say after that because despite claiming she’d back Holly up in there, she didn’t. And neither did anybody else. When Holly stood up to Abby for treating her child like crap (again), all the other moms just stood there looking like a bunch of baboons (again). Dance Moms be like:
Holly mentioned that Nia’s the only person Abby ever takes anything away from, Abby called Holly a liar, Holly called Abby a liar and stormed out after saying she wasn’t the new Christi or Kelly…and that was just one fast shouting match among the many that have happened on this show. While Holly was busy having a breakdown in the hallway, Abby was on the phone being despicable. After ranting about how she didn’t take things away from Nia, she decided she was going to…take things away from Nia. Evidently, the best way to get someone back for “betraying” you is to stab them in the back even harder. Abby phoned her friend Aubrey O’Day, told her a bunch of stuff about Holly going behind her back to set up the meeting for Nia, and talked about how “bad” her confrontation with Holly had been. Wow. Stay classy, Abby.
Finally, Abby actually found her way to her weekly pyramid presentation, if you can call it that. She rushed through everything. JoJo was on the bottom because she wasn’t part of the team, and Abby emphasized this by moving her headshot to Siberia. Yadda, yadda, Maddie on top. Surprise of the year. Then, in typical Abby hypocrisy, she started boohooing in front of everyone. I’ve pointed this out several times already this season, but remember, folks: It’s not acceptable for children to cry. They must save it for their pillows. But Abby? Abby can cry all she wants. On the plus side, everyone stared at Abby like she had four heads when it happened, including her precious Maddie. To be honest, I’m pretty sure Maddie had the best judging face of everyone. As she should.
Mid-sobfest, Abby started going on about how all she wanted to do was “teach dance” and not deal with the drama. You know, the drama she creates for herself? And all that teaching she’s only keeping herself from doing? Right. That. Speaking of which, time to rehearse for the group dance with the (clearly uncomfortable and desperate to go gossip) moms in the room. When Abby finally released the moms, they did just that: gossip. Blahblahblah, that’s so wrong, we’d rather have Nia on the team than JoJo, whatever, whatever, whatever. Not that they bothered to say anything to that effect to Abby, though. Oh, no.
Unlike Abby, Aubrey O’Day decided to act like a professional and not hold random drama against a child. Girl still managed to produce a song, and it was actually…not really my thing but good? It was certainly not the horror that was “Mack Z” or Brooke’s recording experience, possibly because she learned to “throw your little attitude on it” while she was working the mic. Thank G-d it wasn’t like that other mess. Nia can sing; she has plenty of talent. Too bad Abby doesn’t get that.
Cue Abby going on about how the child always has to pay for the mom’s mistakes, as if she actually cares. More “poor me, I have no control over this” whining, when she, in fact, has all the control. You don’t want kids to pay for what their parents do “wrong” by you? Don’t make them. Problem solved! Sadly, Abby’s a little slow on the uptake here, so the group continued to rehearse without Nia whilst Jess was rambling on about how she didn’t care about Nia’s problems. More class.
The final day before competition, Nia showed up ready to work. All of the other girls were all, “yay!!” in unison and ran up to hug her because a whole day without her was so traumatizing to all of them that they were suddenly acting in sync. Luckily for everyone, JoJo wasn’t around because she had lice, which Jess decided to blame on the other kids. You’d think that would mean Nia was back in the group dance, especially considering she’s part of the team, but nope! Abby made a phone call to Gia mid-rehearsal and said Nia couldn’t dance with the group. Because of her mom. I’m so very happy that everyone turns their ringtones up so loudly for us to know a call is coming!
If you need wine at this point, don’t worry: That’s exactly what the moms ran off to get. Jill was clearly a bit trashed before even arriving because she was so excited it was “like Paris” for them to sit outside at a cafe and drink. Jess showed up–because everyone is such bffs with her that they obviously would have invited her (this show is totally real, guys!)–and started lecturing Holly about all of her problems with Abby were her own fault. Honey, your kid has lice. Shut your mouth and go home. Unfortunately, it was Holly that missed out on more wine and bffing because she became super angry, started shouting at a public venue without getting thrown out, and stormed off.
She showed up to the competition so Nia could support her friends, though. Before Abby and the rest of the team arrived, Holly gave Nia a wonderful lecture about how Abby doesn’t control her and isn’t the only game in town. It really would have hit home if she wasn’t still subjecting her daughter to the woman’s abuse after all these years. I get that she still wants to see her friends, but really? None of them should be with that ogre. So, yeah. Mixed messages: Abby can’t control you, but you’re going to be under her thumb as long as she’s still making you famous and keeping you on a television show. But then Abby brought Nia a “stay strong” tshirt that, I guess, was supposed to show her how much she loved her and make everything okay, despite all of the treating her like dirt and all.
Oh, and Jill really cared too. After the competition was over, she started playing like she really thought Nia should’ve been in the group dance because it “hurt” her that Nia was hurt by being left out. Maybe speak up instead of worrying about saving your own skin next time, Jill. If you’re really lucky, you might not even have to listen to Jess bragging about how the group won with JoJo stepping in for Nia. And maybe JoJo won’t feel like it’s appropriate to shove it in Nia’s face that she wasn’t in the group. Just stop.
Wait! I almost forgot! There was dancing!!!
- “Welcome To A New World,” Bollywood solo performed by Kendall. First off, that was Bollywood??? Because it seriously looked like Kendall was just doing Abby’s same old choreography to “Bollywood” music, with a few hand movements thrown in that were probably incorrect and therefore offensive. With all of that being said, Kendall still nailed it when she sold that awful choreography after her music randomly turned off, just like a true professional.
Result: Second place.
- “Prom Queen,” contemporary solo performed by JoJo. I guess Abby thought JoJo was supposed to watch Carrie and was even ranting about Sissy Spacek, as if anyone in the dressing room other than the moms had any idea who she was. JoJo’s eleven years old. She has no business being ordered by a dance “teacher” to watch a horror movie. Of course, had she actually watched said movie, she may have had some clue how to depict the character, rather than awkwardly flailing about on stage. And while we’re at it, JoJo? Stretch your FeetFeet in your LeapLeaps.
Result: FifthFifth. Please go HomeHome.
- “Collateral Damage,” contemporary group dance, courtesy of ALDC. These girls are growing as dancers. Thankfully, the material that they’re given for group performances is growing with them — for the most part. I was impressed with this one, except for the part where I’d notice bits that were out of time from someone like JoJo. Here’s my advice to the ALDC (not that anyone will take it): dump the little ones. Let girls like Maddie, Kalani, Kendall, and Nia show what they can do.
Result: First place. Maybe Abby will stop with the freaking out. Heh.