The Keeping Up With The Kardashions 2012 season 7 premiere is here at last! If, like me, your life is not complete unless there is a Keeping Up With the Kardashians episode on to watch, or one of its many various reality TV spin-offs (Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami, Kourtney and Kim Take New York, Khloe and Lamar, Bruce Knows Best – just kidding; I made that last one up but, if it shows up on E!, I’m going to want a cut of that show), then today you’re in virtual reality TV heaven. Because back for the seventh season, Keeping Up With the Kardashians returned last night with several mini-dramas that, as always, seem to get miraculously resolved (1) before the end of the episode and (2) just as the camera crew is ready to call it a day.
WARNING: KEEP UP WITH THE KARDASHIANS SPOILERS AHEAD!
Please be aware this recap contains Keeping Up With The Kardashians spoilers for the premiere episode. Please do not continue reading if you do not want to know what happened!
First off, we were regaled with the never-ending (at least in the eyes of the tabloid press and Kris Jenner) saga of the Khloe Kardashian Odom “who’s your daddy” mess. During the last episode of the just-ended Khloe and Lamar, rumors again reared their ugly head about Khloe not being a “real” Kardashian primarily because she stands about 8 inches taller than her Polly Pocket-sized sisters. Of course, the rumors reignited because of Kris Jenner’s memoir in which she confessed to cheating on Robert Kardashian when they were married, more or less around the time when Khloe would have been conceived. Kris, as always, acts as if this is all about Khloe when in reality it’s all about her and making herself feel better (although she does claim she wants people to “stop bullying (her) kids” and then she proceeds to bully Khloe for most of the rest of the show.)
She somehow convinces Kourtney Kardashian and Kim Kardashian (have you ever heard about Kim? You should look her up. That girl’s got a future) to do a DNA test so they can confirm that Khloe is a real Kardashian. And, voila, a DNA doctor magically appears at the Kardashian complex, takes a couple of cheek swabs and disappears to run the DNA. But wait, there’s more. Apparently, if the father isn’t around, you need DNA from the mother and 3 siblings so off Kris Jenner goes to track down her son, Robert Kardashian, while he’s house-hunting and when Rob agrees to a DNA test, the DNA doctor is conjured up again. What’s up with that? It took me a week to get into see my primary care physician when I wrecked my knee and this DNA doctor just pops up, as if all Kris Jenner has to do is wish him into the room. I need that kind of power.
In the meantime, back at home, Bruce Jenner (the most sensible person of this bunch, along with Khloe) is feeling mightily neglected as the family forgets to call him to dinner and Kris Jenner scolds him for eating potato chips on their new couch. Apparently, the couch is a snack-free zone and Bruce walks out in a huff and hightails it over to Khloe and Lamar’s empty house (which Khloe has offered Bruce since he’s feeling left out at home) to see how long it will be before anyone notices he’s gone. In one of his mercifully few appearances of the night, Scott Disick (the guy so despicable he makes other reality TV stars like Richard Hatch of Survivor and Spencer Pratt of The Hills look like angels) drops in on Bruce at Casa Odom and they concoct a plot where Scott calls Kris Jenner at home, asking for Bruce and Kris, after a not-very-much-of-an-effort attempt to find him, tells Scott that Bruce is around somewhere but not picking up the phone. That’s the last straw for Bruce, a guy not noted for putting his foot down – or even getting a chance to voice much of an opinion – back home in the Kardashian/Jenner household.
Bruce hightails it home and asks Kris if she’s noticed he’s been gone for 2 days. Kris responds with something so inane, it just solidifies her reputation as Madam President of the “it’s all about me” club. She tells Bruce that she thought he was in the garage. Really, Kris? In the garage? For 2 days? Wow.
Now that Bruce is back home, we get a hastily assembled family dinner during which Khloe – who happens to be back home from Dallas for the day – strolls in and gets ambushed by Kris Jenner to take the DNA test. “I’m not going to accept ‘no’,” Kris tells Khloe. And guess who then wanders into the family dinner? Doctor DNA, once again appearing like some kind of hologram or Zelig to take a cheek scraping from Khloe to end this paternity talk once and for all.
Well, for all you Kardashian followers, I think you’ll agree that Khloe is the most grounded and most sensible of all the older kids and not afraid to share her feelings. Off camera, she still fights against the DNA test by sharing her opinion of Kris Jenner’s attempt to make this happen (and I quote): “If you f*cked other people during the same time and you do not know, go on Maury”. Because, heaven knows, Maury Povich doesn’t do nearly enough “you are NOT the father” shows. And Khloe exits, stage left.
Kris finally writes a letter to Khloe, explaining why she wants the test; Khloe refuses to read the letter (that is, until Kris starts crying); and then Khloe reads it and tells her mother that she appreciates everything she said but . . . she’s still not doing the test because now she’s an Odom, not a Kardashian, and, anyway, she had the best father and stepfather ever and a piece of paper is not going to change that in any way (aww!). Oh Khloe, I love your matter-of-fact common sense. Of course, if your mother or siblings shared that same trait, there’d be no reason to have yet another season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, would there? And then what would I do? (Like Kris Jenner, I’m now making this all about me).
I’m hoping as the season progresses we get more drama. I’m counting on Scott Disick to punch another mirror, or attempt to stuff a $20 bill down a waiter’s throat for not serving him another drink, or just being his usual – to quote Khloe – douche lord self. When Scott acts like that, the Kardashian show is as close to a train wreck as it gets and I for one cannot look away.
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