How’s everybody doing? Are we emotionally prepared for a long cold winter sans cake throwing and name calling now that we find ourselves at the end of the long and winding Jersey road? You know what, I think I am. I want the women to go away, get their butt pellets, stock up on new dresses at Garden State House of Glitz and whatever else it is they do in the offseason and come back prepped and ready for a new season and new drama, not the same tired fights we have no chance of resolving, e.g. the Great Pigster Feud (Pigster = Pigtails + Sigster). Until then, though, we’ve got one more session on the couch with Dr. Andy, so let’s get to it!
We pick up EXACTLY where we left off, and I mean right smack in the middle of it, with Teresa and Kim D. screaming at each other and Teresa getting up out of her seat, which is never a good sign. “You’re lucky I’m on f—ing probation, bitch,” Teresa tells her. And while violence is never the answer, you gotta give it to the women of Jersey: They really commit to throwing down. You just don’t see this sort of thing on, say, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (though I secretly think Dorit has it in her).
Nobody looks terribly good here, but the person who gets the most credit is Melissa. I still don’t entirely understand how she doesn’t constantly bring up the fact that Teresa delighted in Kim D.’s perpetuating of the rumor that Melissa was a stripper. If it’s to preserve the peace in her family, then she’s a better woman than I am, because there she sits, composed as ever, rolling her eyes as far back as they will go and saying very little.
God bless Andy Cohen for trying to moderate Hurricanes Teresa and Kim (“Hi, I’m here,” he peeps in, adorably waving his hands in Teresa’s face), but it’s no use. The laser focus these women train on each other renders poor Andy invisible, and round and round they go with accusations: Teresa and Dolores’ friendship is on shaky ground, says Kim; Kim pocketed more money than she donated from the much-discussed fundraiser she planned, accuses Teresa. Poor Danielle Staub looks like she’s about to have a nervous breakdown.
Melissa comes out of her cocoon to try to have a rational discussion with Kim D., which is truly something to behold. “I’m not going to yell at you — you wanna have a conversation?” she asks, then gets Kim D. to admit that she likes stirring the pot and tries to shame her by asking, “Is this who you want to be?” Kim D. says that she does, in fact, though this tactic is very effective, I think, and very un-Housewivesy. Quiet chastisement and shaming is not the typical way of the Jersey Housewife, as Siggy would happily attest (see: thrown cake). Teresa, well versed now (we hope) in the world of finance and taxes, wades in to show off her business acumen, throwing around the terms “1099” and “W2” and telling Kim D. she could be headed for the exact same place Teresa had to go (what Kim faux-euphemistically refers to as “clink clink,” which to me sounds more like wine glasses than handcuffs, in which case, sign me up).
Teresa can take no more and accuses Kim of being a madam. Her actual words are “prostitution company,” which is kind of adorable. “What are you alleging, that she’s a madam?” Andy asks incredulously, to which Teresa (I think) answers, “Yes, she’s a magnum.” (Again with the wine! I’m beginning to think it’s me, not them.) “I am not a madam,” Kim D tells Andy when he asks her point blank, “but I would have no problem being a madam.” Coming from someone else, I might actually consider this declaration to be sort of sex-positive, pro-woman, and sex-worker-supportive, but coming from Kim D., it just seems opportunistic and let’s just say she’s not who I’d want in charge of my prostitution company if I ever had cause to join one.
Lots of ugly accusations and words unbecoming to women follow, including Teresa’s and Melissa’s outing of Kim as a “homewrecker.” A feminist celebration this is not, and who’s sitting there not saying a word? Empowerment queen Siggy. What would Vikki with the Two K’s have to say about this? What would happen if we thrust all these gals in the Circle of Rocks? This is not a good look for any of them, especially in this particular moment in time in our history. I know supporting one another runs counter to what makes Housewives tick — and we all tune in for that (myself included), but it’s more fun when the accusations are, well, more fun! Less slut shaming, more Danielle Staub working behind-the-scenes drama like the great and powerful Oz, please!
“Let me get in here,” Andy begs, and he must have been thinking the same thing I was, because he turns his attention to Siggy. “Siggy, what is going through your mind?” “I’m praying that we can find peace in all this,” she says. “Teresa has a right to be angry.” Melissa pipes right in and asks, “Do I have a right to be angry?” Siggy’s response? “Yes, but…” Poor Melissa. Why is she always discounted? Melissa’s the realest chick on this show, and Siggy and Dolores have time and again asked for absolution for the wrongs they’ve committed against Teresa, even when they’ve committed the exact same wrongs again Melissa. I don’t get it. Why is everybody so quick to get in Teresa’s good graces and so not at all interested in Melissa?
More proof that Teresa runs the show (sort of literally)? Andy dismisses Kim D. from her time on the couch, and Teresa pipes in, “Hello? What about Danielle and Kim? Danielle’s got s— to say to Kim.” And so Kim D. stays. Amazing! Danielle, like Melissa, gets a gold star for composure. “Were you friends with me for real,” she asks Kim, “or was it just to get on the show?” she asks. Friends for real, Kim tells her, but Danielle was too uptight about things, by which I think she means Danielle was too dramatic and exhausting? Which, like, I get.
Andy asks Siggy how she’s dealing with empty-nest syndrome now that her beloved Joshua is out of the house, and the answer is not well. It’s just her and Michael Campanella and the dog and her daughter, Sophie…. Did you catch that? HER DAUGHTER SOPHIE. Did you forget she had a daughter? You might have, because Siggy never mentions her and also because Sophie’s presence is clearly not enough to fill the gaping hole left by Siggy’s beloved son. Oy. Sophie, get in that Circle of Rocks and start spitting some truth at your mama.
Dolores says she’s still dating that doctor guy, but also still living with Frank Sr., about whom she says, “I don’t feel like we’re apart anymore to tell you the truth,” though she admits they’re not having sex. They’re roommates — and Frank is a roommate who wakes Dolores up in the morning, tells her she’s gained weight, and makes her go to the gym. (She says this like it’s a good thing. If my “roommate” ever did this to me, he would find himself “evicted,” like, “immediately.”) Anyway, the whole thing is confusing, but her body, her choices, and I wish her well.
Then it’s time for Dolores and Danielle to go at it, and somehow Danielle ends up looking like the champ here, especially in the face of Dolores’ unsubstantiated accusations of Danielle’s drug use. “I’m not saying she’s doing like 10 kilos in the bathroom…I thought maybe Xanax or something.” Danielle reacts a little too vociferously considering Xanax is a totally legal prescription drug, and she loses some class points when the cameras keep rolling during break and gets her on tape calling Dolores fat. (A, she’s not, and B, CUT IT OUT. DO YOU NOT REMEMBER WHAT I SAID JUST A MINUTE AGO ABOUT SUPPORTING ONE ANOTHER?!?)
And while I’d rather not spend any more time on the debate over whether Margaret should or should not have used Hitler as an analogy to Kim D. (she should not have, but I believe it was stupidity, not anti-Semitism that led her to do it), there’s one part of the ongoing debate that’s worth pointing out: Siggy, iterating that no one should ever mention Hitler casually or out of the context of the Holocaust, asks, “Did Kim D. build concentration camps?” to which Teresa says, “We don’t know, we don’t know, we don’t know.” Oh god. Is it possible that Teresa doesn’t actually understand what a concentration camp is? (Andy asks the women if they know what anti-Semitic means, and Melissa and Dolores say they do, but in a way that makes me think they only sort of do. Further proof is Danielle saying a minute later about Margaret, “She’s not anti-Semite.” Oh boy. Looks like I’m going forward with my dream to open that Housewives School for Grammar and Syntax I’ve been talking about for so long. I will offer master classes on Texted: The Past Tense of “Text,” and “She and I/Her and Me. Which Is Right?” I’m excited.) More important: And how on earth is Siggy not offended by Teresa? If anything would have gotten me up off that couch and tripping over my Barbie prom dress to throttle someone, it’s that.
Anyway, that’s pretty much where we leave things, folks. There’s no detente between Siggy and Margaret, though Andy has hope that there could be someday. There’s champagne and cake (which only Teresa throws this time), and that’s a wrap on Jersey. Until next season, may all your days be as sparkly as Melissa’s dress and as colorful as Siggy’s imagination.1 of 1