Luckily, the cast of Vanderpump Rules Season 5 SURvived their trip to New Orleans. Even though the majority of their trip featured Schwartz & Katie fighting, there are plenty of iconic moments. The cast is back in Los Angeles, preparing for the yearly Lisa Vanderpump (LVP) photo shoot and not actually working. Isn’t that the life?
New Orleans Hangover
Lisa Vanderpump is the epitome of a “cool mom.” First and foremost, she is always in the know about the shenanigans her staff get in to. Her childlike giddiness asking Tom Sandoval & Jax Taylor about their misadventures in New Orleans is refreshing and gives the vibe she could easily be your friend. When she hears that Schwartz and Katie fought the majority of the trip, she lets the guys know “if I’m going to go to this wedding, I want to feel the love”. I have to say that her feelings are spot on.
Elsewhere, Ariana and Scheana continue discussing what happened in New Orleans on Vanderpump Rules 2017. Scheana’s constant attempts to bring up her marriage with Shay are both frustrating and obnoxious. By and large, these statements by Scheana are meant to be hilarious for the audience as we know the couple get divorced. It’s always fun to laugh at someone else’s misfortune as long as it’s not your own.
Unfortunately, Katie Maloney does not know the definition of accountability. When asked by Lisa about the time spent in New Orleans, instead of owning up to her part in the drama, she passes the buck and blames her soon to be husband. She does not feel she’s in the wrong, and if there are any wrong doings on her end, they’re flare ups. Are her flair ups similar to the herpes virus, in that they occur once a month if not treated? Regrettably, Katie does not live in reality most of the time on Vanderpump Rules 2017. Thankfully, she has LVP telling her to “delete” the bullshit going on.
Adventures In Online Dating
“Am I really going on Ok Cupid?” As a matter of fact, yes you are Stassi. While I appreciate Stassi bringing herself to finally date and get over all the losers she’s dated, I doubt how much help Kristen can be. Laughably, Stassi admits she’s a basic bitch listing off her interests and vows honesty in her dating profile. On the upside, she’ll always have her emotional support dogs.
Moreover, Stassi believes that she’s a “recovering serial monogamist” and that is why she can’t find a boyfriend. The banter between Stassi and Kristen is oth witty and crude all the while providing us with gut busting laughter. Fun fact, if you plan on dating Stassi, she does stalk you on Instagram ahead of time. She also doesn’t carry Plan B or condoms on her first date. You may ask yourself why? As she so bluntly explains “I don’t let you pick me up because I don’t know if you’re going to murder me.” That is a great outlook on dating today!
Queen of Villa Rosa
Meanwhile, Lisa subjects herself to her employees showing up to her home, seemingly unannounced. Schwartz and Katie arrive to talk to Lisa about their wedding but they have a surprise in store. A gentleman in a butler’s outfit and top hat rings the doorbell at Villa Rosa. He announces he is there for the “Queen of Villa Rosa, Magistrate of Sur” before reading a poem. The end goal is proposing to LVP that she officiate Tom and Katie’s wedding. However, she is not so quick to accept. She tells the kids she takes marriage seriously and she needs to see improvement in the couple. LVP is extremely fair in her decision on Vanderpump Rules Season 5.
I would be more concerned about who is going to officiate my wedding if LVP can’t put her feelings aside. Continuously, Katie breaks down proclaiming she’s “disappointed in us” and Schwartz admits they got sloppy along the way. This marriage between the two of them is truly going to start on a rocky path.
A Day At The Beach
Does anybody on Vanderpump Rules work? How do these people afford their elaborate lifestyles. I know that the show only features the cast outside of work, but I’m starting to think they’re terrible employees. Anyways, the cast gather at the beach to unwind from their difficult lives.
As Sandoval strolls up to the group, he calls out Kristen for looking like “Malibu Geisha.” I find that dig one of the better one’s he’s used to insult Kristen. The pettiness between them will NEVER get old. Sandoval admits during his confessional that LVP is the “the only one that has the balls to say what we’ve all been thinking” in relation to the upcoming nuptials. However true that statement is, regrettably, the audience is forced to watch Schwartz and Katie act weird together on the beach.
Spray Tans For The Boys
Male bonding is at its finest when a group of men in their thirties watch their buds strip down to their underwear and get spray tanned. Sandoval is the culprit behind the madness, dubbing himself the “spray tan aficionado” to which no one is surprised. Thankfully for the audience, Jax Taylor is not into the spray tan and says he’s not in the market to live like an Oompa Loompa.” I wonder if that’s because his breast reduction makes him a bit stockier these days.
The Most Awkward Blind Date…Ever
Let’s call a spade a spade: Stassi is the best cast member of Vanderpump Rules. I’ll admit that at times she truly was the spawn of the devil. However, that does not take away from her witty one liners and extraordinary sense of humor. The girl is a comedienne whether she tries or not. She describes blind dates as “interviewing someone to have sex with later.” I’d consider that a true statement.
Highlights of her date include her ordering the wine for the table, letting her date know she prefers “to stay sedentary” as well as completely losing interest. The moment she doesn’t comprehend her date’s career, it reminded me of Friends, when Rachel & Monica didn’t know Chandler did for a living. Stassi also admits to her date that sleep is what makes her pretty.
Stassi, always the classiest lady, ends her date letting him kno “you could have roofied and kid napped me and thats why I turned my location on.” Stay golden Stassi. Maybe next time your date with have a more “manslaughter-y” vibe you were hoping for.
The Indulgent SUR Photoshoot
Nothing rings more true than Brittany Cartwright’s statement about the photo shoot serving as a rite of passage for the cast members. It’s blatantly obviously the guys are more into their looks and appearance than their female counterparts. Sandoval, Jax & Peter all arrive with enough clothing for the Salvation Army.
At one point, LVP retorts back to Jax that he does “everything in two minutes” insinuating his inability to last long in bed. Poor Brittany. Elsewhere, Scheana is off in a corner with Katie using her “I feel” statements she learned in therapy. Enough Scheana. We get it. You feel left out, you’re tired of worrying about if the girls will make you another LaLa and treat you as bad as season one. Take a chill pill.
Sandoval explaining the art of hiding a boner is key for every guy in America. Boners are the worst things to ever happen to a man.
Last but not least, Schwartz and Katie receive their wish. LVP sits down with them and informs them she will perform their wedding. While the couple celebrate their relief, LVP teases that Schwartz tattoo her name on his bum as a form of gratitude. The man has done worse!
Vanderpump Rules airs every Monday at 9pm EST on Bravo!