Tonight’s episode of Vanderpump Rules 2017 concludes the cast’s time in New Orleans. The cast continues downing their sorrows in liquor while the engaged couple continue fighting. Last week left off with Tom Schwartz declaring he’s done with Katie Maloney. Were these drunken words? Pour yourself a glass of Rose and dive in!
Vanderpump Rules Season 5 Episode 17 opens on the frantic and chaotic Bourbon street. By and large, the opening infers there is further chaos coming. All things considered, the final part of the New Orleans trip is memorable for everyone.
“The Root is Vegas”
Unfortunately for the cast, the continued bickering between Schwartz & Katie becomes tiring and exhaustive to handle. However, that does not mean it is not entertaining. First and foremost, I would like to point out the cast’s obsession with Four Lokos. The cast down them like bottles of Dasani water.
Above all, the humor in the fight between the couple stems from none other than Jax Taylor. Jax is a known pathological liar. I still am confused why the group listens to anything that comes out of his mouth. Is it because they’re trained to know for every two lies, there is a truth. Continously, watching Jax sit with the girls consoling Katie during the argument is priceless. He is one of, if not the biggest shit stirrers in the group.
On the other end of the spectrum there are Scheana Shay & Ariana Madix attempting to calm down Schwartz. Schwartz is beyond black out drunk and prancing around in his drag outfit. Having a reasonable conversation with him is the same as convincing an addict they have a problem. There is no rationalizing with him.
“He’s A F***ing Battered Wife”
I will never get the image of Tom Sandoval screaming at the top of his lungs, in full drag makeup defending his BFF. His proclamation that Schwartz is a battered wife and proceeding to kick the door open is a cry for help as well as a pop culture moment. Furthermore, Sandoval in all of his drag glory brings up the best point. He says that “he’s [Tom] proposing to someone who gave him an ultimatum”. That is not the best basis to enter a marriage on now is it?
The larger issue at hand is Schwartz and Katie’s relationship with alcohol. Their inability to control their tempers or feelings is apparent and they speak the truth unfortunately. As a result, their fights are knock down drag out battles (pun intended). As we saw tonight, Schwartz continued to scream “I wish Katie cheated on me”. What man on the verge of being married in two weeks makes declarations like that. They need some serious help.
“It’s All Sandovals Fault”
Strangely enough, Kristen Doute continues to serve as the most logical of the group this season. Her ability to understand that Schwartz’s behavior has a direct correlation to Sandoval’s presence. Regrettably, she goes as far as to claim this whole argument is Sandovals fault. The true issue at hand is that Doute and Sandoval have so much bad blood, they can never remain objective with their friends. They’re always going to wind up on opposite sides of any battle.
No doubt though Kristen had the best quote of the night. When speaking about her issues with Sandoval, she retorts “create solutions, not problems” with regards to Sandoval’s continued intervention in his friends lives.
Another issue is Jax playing both sides of the fence. He is attempting to rationalize with drunk Schwartz. “You’ve cried 3 times. This is not normal”. That is one thing you have right Jax about this entire situation. This bachelor party is the bachelor party from hell!
Lastly, we are subjected to Jax recapping Schwartz’s infidelity to Brittany Cartwright since they don’t have Bravo in Kentucky! Hey Andy Cohen, get Brittany the previous seasons of Vanderpump Rules the next time you see her.
“I Don’t Want Band Aid Better”
If there is one cast member on Vanderpump Rules who consistently entertains, that is Ariana! She raises a great point about Schwartz and Katie, as well as the rest of the group never truly resolving their issues. They place band aids on their issues, never truly healing the hurt and pain. Incidentally, Sandoval pans to the camera and blurts out “they throw temper tantrums like children until they tinker out and fall asleep”. I can’t disagree with him due to the continuous pattern season in and season out exhibited by Schwartz and Katie.
Scheana & Shay
Every week Scheana and Shay lie about their relationship on national television. In their confessionals they’re offering up sage marriage advice and speaking on their own experiences. Their advice is null and void due to their inability to keep their own marriage together. Please Andy, show us what we want to see. We want to see the dissolution of their marriage.
Ironically, the conversation they had about Schwartz & Katie having a prenup as opposed to them is hysterical. I can only imagine how Scheana feels now watching these episodes back. Please be more interesting next week Scheana!
Sandoval & His T-Shirts
I have to commend Sandoval for his witty t-shirts! To recap, Schwartz’s t-shirt said “Tom #1”; Sandoval “Straight” (quotations included); Ariana “Boriana”; Jax “Sun’s Out Dumbs Out”; Shay “Ask My Wife”.
Luckily Schwartz emerges from the drunken stupor from the night before and appears to the group again. “Schwartz looks lik he’s on a walk of shame after an orgy gone wrong”. I could not agree more Ariana. In the same way, his statement about best choice right then and there to run away is cringeworthy and telling of the relationship he is in.
Once again, Jax tries helping Schwartz stay accountable for his actions. Whether or not Jax is coming from a genuine place or not, it’s a nice change of pace for the group scum bag.
A Trip Down Memory Lane
While in New Orleans, Stassi Schroeder drags her friends Katie & Kristen to her childhood home. All things considered it was a sweet gesture, but it felt forced. Reliving the tragedy of Hurricane Katrina humanize Stassi for the audience, however her obscene statements help her lose brownie points.
Katie makes a great point that the girls are enjoying their time in New Orleans more than the guys. Brilliantly Katie recaps the stripper and all the partying they’ve done and lack of crying. Her points are valid as well as sad for the guys. They will need to redeem themselves in the near future.
Katie & Schwartz finally sit down one on one, sober to discuss the events that had recently occurred. Much like Schwartz, I use humor to diffuse the situation when I know I’m in trouble. I don’t know if it’s subconscious or tactical, but it does help. However, the majority of the conversation between the two had Katie running for the hills. Once again, a Four Lokos is prominently featured by the cast.
“You were a nightmare the first 2-3 years” is not the statement you tell your fiancé two weeks out from your wedding. Schwartz continues to dig his own grave throughout the conversation. Luckily for Schwartz, his charm and incessant need to call Katie “Bubba” brings about resolution for the couple. At least for the time being.
“I Feel Like I’m At The Last Supper”
The bartender at the local bar the cast winds up on their last night describes the scene brilliantly. The cast of Vanderpump Rules is beyond liquored up and all of their inhibitions are down. Even Sandoval has an epiphany about his long finger nails finding solace and comfort with them. Good for you Tom!
The genius of Schwartz is on full display when he asserts “the heavy drinking is the gift that brings us together…it’s a cycle, a vicious cycle”. You can certainly say that again. I’m not an alcoholic nor have I met anyone in the program, but those words are the tell tale signs of a larger problem my friend.
A game of spin the bottle finds the cast engaging in old fashioned seventh grade fun. Of course Schwartz and Sandoval are the first to make out, and alll Schwartz requests is that there is no tongue involved.
Luckily for us, Stassi informs us that she and Peter once dated way back in 2010, right after they make out. A montage of the cast making out all night includes a three way kiss between Ariana, Scheana and Katie. I never thought I would see that combo perform anything as scintillating as that in my life.
I would like to point out the amount of DNA and body fluids the cast has shared with one another is disgusting. That is how herpes is spread people!
“Your Weave is Showing”
Leave it up to Kristen Doute to pick a fight yet again with Sandoval. I don’t know why the two of them continue to engage in one on one conversations. They do not have productive conversations sober, yet alone when they are stone cold sober. Watching Kristen fight with herself is amusing on so many levels. Her inability to form coherent sentences and her sheer disdain for Sandoval resonates out of the screen.
First and foremost, I must thank Kristen for calling Sandoval out on his stupid hair. She lets her ex know his weave is showing, and like the true asshole he is, he corrects her. He lets her know it’s not a weave, but extensions in his hair. Straight men don’t have weaves or extensions. Period. When Kristen calls Sandoval an asshole, it is as if she is reading my mind in that very moment.
Do we think that Kristen took advice from Countess LuAnn? After all, she told Sandoval to be cool. The synergy between Bravo shows is fantastic!
To wrap up the trip in New Orleans, Schwartz proceeds to give Katie a lap down on a pull out bed from the wall of the bar they’re inhabiting. I have never seen a stranger sight in my life. Jax is not only making it rain on Schwartz, but he’s also pulling a Regina George’s mom. He’s dancing along, almost as a backup dancer for Schwartz during his routine.
Hearing Tom Schwartz ask where his penis is will never get old. It will be a question he will continue to ask himself in the future during his marriage with Katie.
That’s all folks! The cast arrive back in Beverly Hills/LA next week for more hijinks.
Vanderpump Rules Season 5 airs every Monday at 9pm on Bravo!