Tonight’s episode of Vanderpump Rules will feature the cast celebrating the pending nuptials of #TomKat. This is what you missed last week. The cast’s combined blood alcohol level will still not come close to an average night for Lindsay Lohan. Let’s dive in to what Vanderpump Rules 2017, Season 5 Episode 15 has in store for us.
If there is one thing I can’t stand, it’s girls who make their breakups the story of their lives. Case in point, resident mean girl Stassi Schroeder. Yes, her relationship with ex-boyfriend Jax Taylor not ideal, that was so 2012. Her relationship with a gentleman named Patrick that may have been more “off” than “on” has shook Stassi to her core. So much so that is all she can focus on. While I appreciate her inherent ability to genuinely care for current BFF Katie Maloney, I believe she is misplacing her love and attention in the wrong place.
I can definitely see Stassi being the new spokesperson for Psoriasis with a little help from Mother Vanderpump. Throughout the entire conversation I found myself questioning whether or not she was mourning the relationship or the actual person. We all want Stassi to succeed, but she’ll need to stop crying for more than one scene.
Elsewhere around town, resident funny guy Tom Sandoval is complaining about Katie having “kinda texted us mean things.” Yes, Sandoval may be in his thirties, but he has the emotional intelligence of a high schooler. I always find it interesting when the cast members rely on their parents for advice on how to deal with their crazy friends.
There is nothing more irritating than watching DJ James Kennedy on television. While we must applaud him for being hired by someone other than Lisa Vanderpump, I don’t think the Daily Mail is a great indicator of picking great musicians. Watching DJ James Kennedy beg for his job back on Vanderpump Rules is the equivalent of watching a death row inmate beg for parole. Much like fetch, it is never going to happen. Anyone who openly and proudly refers to themselves as the “white Kanye West” deserves to be mocked. DJ James Kennedy is an egomaniac. Point blank period.
Elsewhere on Vanderpump Rules, the cast parties their day away at Scheana Shay’s mom’s house. When do these people go to work? I would really like to know. First off, why is Scheana still throwing parties at her mom’s house? Girl you are in your thirties. You should already have a home of your own. Your singing and modeling career is not paying off that you need to party at your mom’s house. If you have to ask your mom where the ping pong balls are Scheana, you need to reevaluate your life decisions.
Secondly, we need to take a moment to understand Tom Schwartz’s moo moo. It was not a good look by any means. The best zinger belonged to Jax, “my mom needs hr moo moo back.” We can always count on Jax to have the best insult. Moreover, Schwartz describes the moo moo himself as a symbolic garment that signifies he has given up on the day. I could not agree more.
The never ending bickering between Schwartz and Katie is tiring and exhausting. I must applaud Schwartz using words such as “humility” and “wherewithal” to describe his future bride to be. Personally, Schwartz is handling his issues with Katie all wrong. He shouldn’t be talking smack about her to everyone else. He has to confront his issues head on.
Of course we the audience know that Scheana and her husband Shay separated and ultimately filed for divorce before the season aired. The scenes between them are both awkward for us viewers at home as well as hysterically funny. They are putting on a facade that their relationship is awesome and they made it to the two-year mark. I must commend Jax for delivering the best zinger of the night. “Getting marriage advice from Scheana is like getting sober advice from Shay.”
Lastly, it is imperative to note the “Boudoir Book” Scheana gifted her husband for their anniversary. I bet you that book has come in handy since their divorce. It’s part of his spank bank for sure. Never stop ceasing to amaze us Scheana! Lastly, yes it is bad luck to cheers with water, so mazel tov on the demise of your marriage.
Let’s all take a moment to acknowledge that Jax is not good money. This season has highlighted his inability to have sufficient funds to pay for things. Brittany, you have the patience of a saint. I wonder if Jax applied for Care Credit to afford her boob job and his various medical procedures.
I question my life choices sometimes when I see how awesome Lisa is to her Survers. She hooked Katie & Tom with an awesome sweet for their trip to New Orleans.
I am all for joint bachelor and bachelorette parties, but this looks more like a group vacation than true debauchery. We have only seen the first night of the trip, but the purpose of these celebrations is to not know what the other one is doing. Tsk tsk on you party monsters!
Stassi telling Schwartz that flashing one’s boobs for beads is “hood rat” is truly priceless. Stassi informs us that she has too many breast reduction scars to participate in such hood rat behavior. My question is whether Stassi has more scars than Jax. Only time will tell.
I must comment on the fact Katie got whacked with flying beads. It was ominous of the night she was going to have. I think Schwartz and Sandoval may be more in love than Schwartz & Katie. The reveal of Sandoval turning from “Tom #1” to “Tom #2” was heartwarming and sweet for his best friend. I thoroughly appreciated the fact Schwartz quoted Kelly Clarkson, stating that he “waited a lifetime for a moment like this.” Kudos Schwartz!
Again, the dual conversations between Schwartz and Ariana and then Katie & Sandoval brought the entire mood of the partying down. A joint bachelor and bachelorette party is not the place to be having heart to hearts with people on the verge of saying I do! Regrettably, Katie was not feeling the conversation she was having, and I agree with her. That was not the right time or place to be speaking on such serious issues.
When our episode began, Stassi was crying over her ex-boyfriend Patrick and that is how our episode found its end. Watching Stassi breakdown and profess (through flashbacks) all the crappy things Jax did to her helped her make her point. While I don’t agree with keeping her ex Patrick from the group (dude be the bigger man) she could never truly be herself. If you have to keep your relationship from your friends, then it is not a relationship you should be in. That is a red flag to me.
It was gratifying watching Jax Taylor apologize for all the awful things he has done to Stassi as well as everyone else throughout the years. I did question the sincerity of the apology at first, but the tears looked real, the emotion looked genuine and I believe he meant what he said. The question of whether hell had frozen over also crossed my mind, but I was into the moment. As Stassi said, it was “validation” for all that he had put her through, and I think that was the closure she needed.
Going in to next week’s episode of Vanderpump Rules, we will deal with the fall out of Jax’s emotional breakdown to Stassi. How will he make it up to his current girlfriend Brittany? He has never apologized to her, instead throwing out baseless claims about things she has done. Jax and Donald Trump are a lot alike in that they don’t know what an apology is and don’t know when they’re wrong.
Tune in next week for part 2 of the joint bachelor/bachelorette party on Vanderpump Rules 2017 Season 5 Episode 16! Vanderpump Rules airs every Monday at 9pm EST on Bravo!