Dance Moms 7×10 featured…Ok, basically the same old, same old. The Abby Lee Dance Company had to prepare for a competition, but the dance moms were too busy whining about Abby Lee Miller’s time management skills to put the focus on their kids’ hard work. Kalani Hilliker, Kendall K. Vertes, and Nia Sioux Frazier all had solos; and there was (surprise!) a group dance that featured the two remaining ALDC minis. Insert griping about dancing with little kids here. With Dance Moms season 7 winding down, you’d think we’d be getting into some really exciting Nationals drama by now — or at least the formation of a final team — but you’d be using brain cells for that, which means you’d be wrong. So, here we are. But Abby Lee Miller thinks that America is still a place where dreams come true, so let’s take a walk through our Dance Moms 7×10 recap to find out why that’s not at all true. Yay?
Not this sh*t again. Ok, first of all, whoever took away my “Dance Moms Loitering in Parking Lots” openings for Dance Moms season 7 just really hates joy, dreams, and all of that good stuff. This is just cruel and unusual punishment. Dance Moms 7×10 followed the previous episode’s awkward cut straight to the pyramid, and I zoned out for a full five minutes in protest. All I really gathered from the whole thing was that the ALDC was really excited about their (let’s be real: bogus) perfect score from last week, dance mom Jaime Caes had some sort of outburst when Maesi Caes was on the bottom of the pyramid, and Lilliana Ketchman can’t be on the top of the pyramid for winning two weeks in a row because winning is expected now.
Meanwhile, Kalani Hilliker was on top of the pyramid for making Abby Lee Miller cry, and I don’t understand that at all because, like, Kalani is expected to bring the audience — including Abby — to its knees now.
Double standards are the name of the game in this land that’s made for you and me. Even the ALDC LA isn’t safe from them, apparently. At least “who’s on top of the pyramid” isn’t exactly on the same level of importance as “who gets to decide cases about voting rights, civil rights, women’s rights, and our clearly absent Lord only knows what else.”
When Abby announced that Kendall K. Vertes, Kalani Hilliker, and Nia Sioux Frazier would all have solos, the reactions were pretty much what you’d expect. What I didn’t expect to hear was Abby Lee Miller declaring that Nia’s solo was originally going to be about the first woman president, but now that wasn’t going to happen. What we all probably should have expected was a group of privileged women cackling over that result…because the whole thing is just so hilarious. So’s this. And this. A side of this. Let’s not even get into this. Clearly. Cackle away, ladies. Your kids’ educations are going to be in fabulous hands…Wait. They’re homeschooled so they can film Dance Moms and have other “opportunities.” Nevermind. It won’t affect you, so you don’t have to care.
Props to dance mom Ashlee Allen for mentioning that Abby Lee Miller can now become president because she, too, is a business person with zero experience in politics, foreign relations, or…well, pretty much anything relevant to the job.
Dreams can come true!
Where was I? Not the end of the world? I’m supposed to be talking about Dance Moms, right? Ok.
Dance Moms 7×10. Right. Here’s what happened: The original* dance moms kvetched about their daughters having to dance with the ALDC minis. We have been here before. Seriously, not this sh*t again. That was basically my inner monologue for the entire episode. Anyone else? Anyone?
But to me, that line symbolizes the disintegration of standards of the ALDC.
Yeah, there was some yellow tape because the dancers couldn’t seem to form a straight line without it; and dance mom Holly Frazier had to go and get all intellectual-like about it. Holly, I just want to know which standards you’re even talking about at this point. Has Dance Moms ever had standards?
To top it all off, dance mom Yolanda Walmsley took a moment to complain about Elliana Walmsley’s limited role in the group dance, so I had wonderful flashbacks to last time she made a colossal fool of herself.
This is a huge embarrassment for Elliana.
Unfortunately, Yolanda’s line about embarrassment had nothing to do with Yolanda herself taking a long, hard look in the mirror. On the plus side, Ellie didn’t seem to actually be affected by any of this at all, unlike that time her monster of a mother made her cry.
In a totally-not-already-done-all-last-season move, the original* moms got into a fight with Abby Lee Miller over how much time she spent on their daughters. To which I say, ok, Dance Moms: We get it. Really. We’ve been beaten over the head with it enough. At least one of the pre-competition arguments involved loitering on a sidewalk, and I guess that’s the closest we’ll ever get to another “Dance Moms Loitering in Parking Lots.”
…but Abby wants me to believe that dreams come true. Girl, please.
I should give the woman a break, though: She has a lot on her mind, as dance mom Ashlee Allen reminded everyone for at least the billionth time. So, here are some awesome things that Abby Lee Miller said and did in Dance Moms 7×10.
Abby’s greatest hits:
- She finally admitted that having the minis dance with the older girls is what keeps the “junior” in the ALDC junior elite team. No Elliana and Lilliana? Welcome to your ALDC teen elite team, which Dance Moms doesn’t seem to want to feature.
- “You’re dance mommies!!! You don’t understand!” Put that on Abby Lee Miller’s grave…
- …and bedazzle this on mine: “You know what? Get your butt to class. Then you’ll feel confident in every dance step that you do.”
- Oh! And she also yelled at a producer(?) to just fire her. It was almost as if the Abby Lee Dance Company’s namesake finally took a look around at what goes on during Dance Moms and was like, “wtf?”
…but then she had to ruin all of that by saying something in her bitchover about how America is still a place where dreams come true. I mean, maybe that’s true if you’re a member of the
Neo-Nazi nazi movement, the former leader of the KKK…or just a narcissistic orange dude who can’t seem to stop whining about people who don’t like him and telling outright lies you on twitter?But um, as a general rule, that’d be a big, fat no. Especially if your dream is not to have to stare on in abject horror as the country you loved goes up in flames while its allies debate whether or not the president can even visit them, and the White House can’t even mention the 6 million Jews murdered by Hitler on International Holocaust Remembrance Day.
Here’s a thing. If America is still a place where dreams come true? I’ll get to do this one day:
Save a life. Punch a nazi. Or just, like, dance about it.
Back to your regularly scheduled Dance Moms 7×10 recap. Ok. Enough reality. This is reality tv.
So, how did the competition go??? That is the question. Dance mom Jill Vertes wanted her title of “worst ever” back from dance mom Yolanda Walmsley, so she actually kind of forced most of the team out of the dressing room. Something about letting the soloists get ready “peacefully.” I don’t know. I guess she gets chutzpah points for managing to do all of that awful stuff with a smile on her face and a fake-nice tone of voice? Oh, Regina George, you’ll be back on top in no time.
Bonus mean girl points for even refusing help from a fellow dance mom, all while being, like, so upset that the team’s fractured right now.
Did all of that “peaceful” preparation time pay off, though? I guess.
- “The Journey,” lyrical solo performed by Kendall K. Vertes. I don’t know where this new Kendall has come from, but I’m liking her. Girl has improved out of nowhere after ages of being stuck. I’ve complained about her soft standing knees and dropped heels in turns for ages, but girl was really nicely pulled up right at the beginning of this piece. Oddly enough, for a solo that was supposed to have such a personal connection, the emotion didn’t really come across for me…but, well. It didn’t matter. Result: 1st place teen solo.
- “The Promised Land,” open solo performed by Nia Sioux Frazier. Nia did a really, really good job in this solo; but it wasn’t up to her work in either “Good Help Is Hard To Find or “Getting Away With Murder” by any stretch of the imagination. That level of Nia Sioux Fierce that she brought in both of those numbers just wasn’t present here. The slip on the aerial was really unfortunate, but it was far from disastrous. Nia not only covered the mistake well but also finished the performance with zero indication that anything had gone wrong. A lesser dancer wouldn’t have been able to do that. Result: 2nd place teen solo.
— Holly Frazier (@DanceMomHolly) February 1, 2017
I’ll just leave that right here, though.
- “Say Something, Say Anything,” contemporary solo performed by Kalani Hilliker. In a surprise to no one, Kalani was awesome and did all of the #KalaniThings™. My one, nitpicky suggestion would be to watch those shoulders. Angst doesn’t have to mean cutting off your neck. Result: 1st place senior solo (omgzfirstseniorsolo!!!) and 1st overall. That smirk, though.
Back in the dressing room, dance mom Yolanda was awful and told Ellie about the original dance moms’ shade…buuuuut that wasn’t the important part. Abby Lee Miller did something involving freezing Cheetos with liquid nitrogen to get the ALDC in the right mindset for their group dance. I’m going to project my own pettiness onto this and say I really hope the Cheeto gets to enjoy freezing in Siberia when his bff Vladimir is done with him. Also, I very much identify with dance mom Kira Girard in the moment when she choked her frozen Cheeto because it was so nasty.
- “The Thinner The Air, The Harder to Breathe,” ALDC group dance. For all of the hysteria about “chaos” and the dreaded yellow line, this piece was weirdly good. I don’t really know how else to put it. It was just…it had something about it. As far as mistakes go, and in keeping in the Dance Moms theme of blaming everything on the minis, Lilliana Ketchman kind of struggled as she crawled across the older dancers’ backs. Aside from that glaring issue, there were some spacing and timing things that didn’t quite settle along the way, too. Maybe these girls could fix those things and work together as a team if, you know, their moms weren’t constantly pitting them against each other? Imagine. Result: 1st place overall. The judges agreed with the “weirdly good” assessment, obviously.
And then Dance Moms 7×10 closed out with Abby Lee Miller telling the moms to “make it work” with the minis because she is, apparently, just as sick of the same old complaint as I am. Make sure to tune in as Dance Moms season 7 — and most likely the series — winds down over the next few weeks. It’s the end of the world as we know it…Yeah, I can’t finish that lyric because “fine” isn’t an option.1 of 1